After experiencing a miscarriage, my heart flooded with questions that only God could answer. I wondered if there was anything I could have done to save our baby. I wondered why this happened. I wondered (and still wonder) when my husband and I will have a healthy baby boy or girl. I crave to know what the future looks like, but all I can have sincere hope in is the One who holds my future. The One who created me. The One who created our baby and is holding that sweet baby in Heaven.
Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)
"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."
God, in all His knowledge and sovereignty, knew that we would lose Avery when we did. Our story wasn't written with an ending on June 8th and God did not, unknowingly, make some cosmic mistake where something went wrong. Our Father was not asleep. He did not hit snooze and awake surprised by what He saw. He is sovereign and all-knowing. He is a loving Father who ordained and wrote all of our days.
This doesn't mean that the significance of a due date has to be minimized. It is healthy to grieve and remember the life that we carried. But we can't become paralyzed by grief. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal. (2 Cor. 4:17-18)
I've seen it happen over and over in my life, He uses my suffering for my good and His glory, and I know Jesus wants to restore your joy in the middle of your storm too! Take comfort in the promise that He is in control. He is good. He is powerful and loving and kind and strong and all-knowing. Our Father has a better vantage point than we do. He sees our storms and has the divine power to rebuke the waves. This doesn't mean suffering won't come. In fact, it's a promise that we will endure suffering. But we also have a promise that our God is with us, goes before us, and will never leave us.
When I felt that the waters were raging and I couldn't catch my breath, I had so many questions for God. I needed help in navigating loss while not having tangible answers for all my questions.
20 Questions I've Asked God:
God, where were you when this happened?
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.
But the Lord is near to the broken-hearted and saves the crushed in spirit."
When I am awake in the middle of the night, where are you when I can't feel your presence?
Psalm 23:4 (ESV)
"Even though I walk through the
valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me."
"And when I wake up, you are still with me."
1 Peter 5:7 (ESV)
"Cast all your anxieties on Him, because He cares for you."
Do you hear my cries?
Psalm 34:17-18 (NIV)
"The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit."
Do you see my tears?
Psalm 56:8 (NLT)
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."
“In all their suffering, he also suffered and he personally rescued them. In his mercy and love he redeemed them.
God, do you understand what I am feeling? Do you feel my pain?
Hebrews 4:15 (ESV)
"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin."
Isaiah 63:9 (NLT)
In all their suffering he also suffered,
and he personally rescued them.
In his love and mercy he redeemed them.
He lifted them up and carried them
through all the years.
Will the grief always be this suffocating?
Revelation 21:4 (NIV)
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
Will this heartache last forever or will the pain subside?
2 Corinthians 1:3-4 (ESV)
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God."
Will I know the joy of being a mother on earth?
John 16:22 (ESV)
“So also you have sorrow now, but I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice, and no one will take your joy from you.”
John 16:24 (ESV)
“Until now you have asked nothing in my name. Ask, and you will receive, that your joy may be full.”
What if it happens again?
"And if not, He is still good. "
"It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”
Would You help my unbelief? Would you build my faith?
1 Corinthians 16:13
"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong."
Will you take care of my body and my heart?
"For you created my inmost being,
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well."
Will you strengthen me?
Isaiah 40:29-31 (NIV)
"He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint."
2 Corinthians 12:9-10 (ESV)
"But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Would you help me combat fears?
"For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him."
2 Timothy 1:7
"For God did not give us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline."
Will you carry me?
Isaiah 46:4 (NIV)
"Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you."
Isaiah 40:11 (ESV)
"He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young."
Will you replace my despair with joy?
"He heals every shattered heart."
Job 8:21 (NLT)
"He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy."
Psalm 30:11 (ESV)
"You have turned for me my mourning into dancing."
Will you comfort me and give me your peace?
John 14:27 (NIV)
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."
"In my distress I called to the Lord and he answered me."
2 Corinthians 1:5 (ESV)
"For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too."
Will you help carry my burdens?
Psalm 55:22 (ESV)
"Cast your burden on the Lord,
and he will sustain you;
he will never permit
the righteous to be moved."
Psalm 68:19 (NIV)
"Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens."
Matthew 11:28-30 (ESV)
" Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."
Will you help me forgive and extend grace and not let bitterness settle in?
Hebrews 4:16 (ESV)
Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.
Ephesians 4:31-32 (NIV)
"Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."
Will you take special care of the babies that are lost before they are held? Like extra good care.
"See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in Heaven their angels always see the face of my father who is in Heaven."
Will you somehow use this pain for good?
Romans 8:28 (NIV)
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 (ESV)
"So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal."
He is able to identify with us in our suffering and weakness. He is not distant and aloof. He's ever present and all knowing with us in our grief and sorrow. He is truly Immanuel; God with us.
I know God is the author of life. He has created me and He will sustain me. He says, “Behold, I hold the keys to life and death!” God has something for me in this. He doesn’t waste my pain.
King's Kaleidoscope- A Prayer- "I'm right beside you. I feel what you feel. I'm here to hold you. When death is too real. You know I died too. I was terrified. I gave myself for you. I was crucified because I love you child. I love you."
Though You Slay Me- Shane & Shane-
Though You slay me
Yet I will praise You
Though You take from me
I will bless Your name
Though You ruin me
Still I will worship
Sing a song to the one who's all I need