To the woman who feels lonely after loss,
Hi friend, I’m sorry if you’re here because you know the pain of loss firsthand. My heart grieves with you, and I pray that you find comfort in the community around you and most importantly in the God who sees you, knows your heart, and catches your every tear.
Nothing could have prepared you for the suffering you have walked through. Consider this a warm hug and a gentle reminder to be gracious with yourself during this time. Whether your grief is fresh or a long-acquainted companion, the pain of loss can feel so overwhelming. The precious gift of your baby’s life has changed you, no matter how long they were here. And feeling the weight of their absence can be so gut-wrenching.
I remember when I was freshly grieving our loss after experiencing a miscarriage. I felt so incredibly lonely. I deeply desired to have someone that was willing to sit with me and understand what I was going through. I longed for something to hold, something to nurture. I even felt an intense distrust of my own body, feeling like it had completely failed me.
Being left alone with my own thoughts was like sitting with an old friend who had betrayed me: awkward, uncomfortable, scary, and confusing. I felt utterly lost, ashamed, and broken, as if I had failed my husband, my baby, and myself.
My hormones were in turmoil as my body struggled to adapt to these unwelcome changes. I was completely caught off guard, reeling from the physical and emotional shock.
The emptying of my womb left me feeling exactly that: empty.
Each day after the loss felt like I was one day farther from experiencing closeness with my baby, yet also one day closer to being reunited with them in heaven. It’s the closest definition of bittersweet I could imagine.
As early miscarriages frequently happen before pregnancy is announced publicly, women often experience a sense of isolation because they may not have shared the news of their pregnancy with anyone. This can lead to feeling unseen or misunderstood by the people closest to us, those whom we’d expect to just get it.
Grief is one of those things where if you’re on the outside looking in, you can’t fully understand it… but if you’re on the inside looking out, you can’t exactly explain it.
Marie Allen’s book, Miscarriage, she writes, “Starving for acknowledgement, support, and care, the woman grieving miscarriage believes that she is alone in her feelings. She concludes, “I am the only person in the world who feels this.” In general, people in our society don't say things like “I feel so grief stricken and lonely.” It does not feel safe. We don't often hear about deeply personal or painful things, especially what it feels like to have a miscarriage. Mothers grieving miscarriage are particularly frightened to expose their feelings, so they don’t.”
In the immediate aftermath of loss, even in the most supportive scenarios, there is often an outpouring of care: gatherings, meals, encouragement, and prayers. However, as time passes, this support tends to diminish. The meal deliveries stop, the calls and text messages become less frequent, and friends, perhaps hesitant to bring up our loss, gradually drift away as they move forward with their own lives.
This can happen for various reasons, none of which are inherently wrong. Whether it’s because our pain feels too heavy for them to bear, they feel uncomfortable witnessing our grief, or they simply struggle to express their support, the outcome is often the same: a growing sense of isolation. They may assume we have moved on, or they might be dealing with their own challenges. Whatever the reason, the feeling of loneliness is profound.
I share this not to guilt-trip anyone into reluctantly supporting a lonely friend or to blame those who move on with their lives. Rather, I want to reassure you that your experience is valid, and you are not alone. And if you’re reading this and wondering what someone who has experienced loss may be feeling and how you can support them, I hope this encourages you!
To all the women who feel lonely in their grief, please know that you are not alone.
Many of us have walked this road, right alongside you, and can relate to the profound sense of isolation and loss. Together, we can find solace in our shared experiences and the hope of healing in time. Grief can be an isolating experience, but it doesn't have to be. We aren't meant to grieve alone.
"Loneliness is not a sickness, but a condition of our humanity." -Elisabeth Elliot
Encouragement and Action Steps for Overcoming Loneliness
Remember: We Need Each Other
I found some relief from loneliness in a club I never wanted to join but that has the most empathetic members: loss moms. Over the years, I've made friends who have shared the experience of pregnancy loss. Some of these friends I've never met in person, while others I've connected with through our common grief. These treasured, precious friendships have become a source of great comfort. It may feel strange at first, but I want to encourage you to connect with someone who perhaps has a shared experience with you in grief.
Community comes in various forms, and in-person support groups, church communities, and close friends can provide invaluable support during difficult times. These physical gatherings offer a sense of belonging and shared purpose. In addition to in-person connections, the digital age has opened up a world of opportunities for building communities online.
Online support groups and social media platforms have become a lifeline for many women dealing with grief. They can provide a safe space to connect with people who have similar experiences. Whether it's a Facebook group, an Instagram account, or a blog, the internet offers a virtual sisterhood of aching hearts.
If you or someone you know is struggling with grief, it's important to seek support. To help you on your journey, we've compiled a list of support groups that can provide the understanding and empathy you need during this difficult time.
Online Support Groups
Seek Support
Consider therapy, counseling, reaching out to a trusted friend or online communities as some avenues for connection and support. These resources can provide the support and understanding you need during this difficult time.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 “Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor. If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.”
Fight the Urge to Isolate
I want to encourage you to fight the urge to isolate. We need community now more than ever. I know how painful and scary it can feel to open up to someone who says the wrong thing at the wrong time and that may lead you to feel like you need to insulate yourself from the people who say insensitive things. Society often sees this topic as taboo and that could make you further feel the need to keep it all inside. You can choose who you share your heart with. As always, use your judgment to determine if someone has proven to be a safe space to share. It is your story to choose to share or not.
Isolation can make us more vulnerable in our loneliness. When we isolate ourselves, we become easier targets for negative thoughts and feelings. Dwelling on how others have failed to support us can breed bitterness, making our loneliness even more painful. Instead, seek out connection and community to help ease the sting of loneliness. I know firsthand the temptation to withdraw when feeling misunderstood, but I urge you to resist that.
Maybe we sense ourselves withdrawing from others because we don’t want to burden anyone with our heavy feelings. We think to ourselves, “Maybe this dark cloud will go away if I just ignore these feelings.” We don’t want to share how much we are hurting because we know everyone has their own problems to deal with or perhaps we are afraid of being judged for not being "over it" yet.
Others assume we’re alright because we appear composed on the surface. Like an iceberg, grief often hides beneath what's visible. Even with the passage of time. We make feeble attempts to try to distract ourselves, hoping the dark cloud will disappear if we don’t talk about it.
Amidst this loneliness, asking for help can feel impossible. We may struggle just to fulfill our basic needs, let alone reach out for support. Feeling unable to articulate our anguish, we may suppress our feelings, which only worsens the pain.
Grief can feel like an endless, exhausting journey. The light at the end of the tunnel sometimes seems like a distant fantasy.
If any of that resonates, I see you, friend. You are certainly not alone.
Set your mind on things above
Be intentional about what you fill your mind, heart, ears, and time with. It truly matters.
(See Philippians 4:6-8)
Each of our needs vary, but maybe that looks like taking a step back from certain social media accounts. It could be taking intentional time to spend journaling out all your raw unfiltered questions, reading your bible, or listening to worship music. Take inventory of how consuming certain media affects your mental health and make adjustments as needed. You know yourself better than anyone and making these small changes can make a huge difference in combatting the loneliness.
Dig into scripture
We are in good company with some of the MVPs in the bible. As I leaned into the Lord during my time of grieving, I distinctly recall finding immense comfort in the stories from the Bible of God consoling those who endured profound loneliness. In the book of Psalms, we see David crying out to God, both with Psalms of praise and Psalms of lament. Our boy, David, GETS IT. He experienced loneliness and he wasn’t afraid to be real with God about it.
Psalm 102:7 “I lie awake; I am like a lonely sparrow on the housetop.”
Psalm 25:16 “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.”
As hard as it is to pick up your bible when you’re in a rut, I want to encourage you to push past the initial discomfort and see how it feels. I pray that the Lord will meet you there in your obedience.
Lean into the one who never fails. The Lord promises to never leave you. May the depth of loneliness you feel bring you to full-sprint to the One who can truly know and fully understand what you’re feeling. Bring your tough questions and wrestle to God. He can handle the tough questions. Press in.
We read stories all over the bible of real people who experienced gut-wrenching loneliness and can look at their experiences and see how God met them there in the midst of their despair. Over and over they pour out their hearts to God about feeling lonely and find comfort in His presence.
1 Chronicles 16:11 “Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!”
Recognize the Lies You're Believing
When my heart is overwhelmed by grief, anxiety, depression, and loneliness, I often find myself believing lies such as:
- "You are alone." (But God assures us we are never alone; Deuteronomy 31:8 “The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”)
- "No one else can fully understand the depth of what you’re feeling." (But Jesus, our Great High Priest, empathizes with our weaknesses; Hebrews 4:15)
- "You're the only one who feels this way." (You are not alone in your feelings; others have walked this path too) Psalm 25:16 “Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted.”
- "It will always feel this way." (There will come a day when all pain is wiped away, Revelation 21:4, and even now, the sharp edges of grief can soften over time)
- "You are stuck." (You are not stuck; there is hope and a way forward)
As Corrie Ten Boom famously said, “There is no pit so deep, that God’s love is not deeper still.” The Lord is with you, right there, in the pit.
Lean Into The Lord
We have the incredible opportunity to connect with Jesus here on earth, and there are so many ways we can do it.
As one of my favorite authors who writes about suffering, Vaneetha Risner put it so beautifully, “Part of really living is being willing to face sadness. Not wallowing in my pain and refusing to be comforted, but honestly and openly telling God where I am and asking Him to show me the truth. Letting him, the God of all comfort, comfort me. Letting him, the God of hope, fill me with hope. And let him, the man of sorrows acquainted with grief, bear my sorrows for me.”
Praying lets us talk to Him directly, sharing our thoughts, fears, and hopes. Even if our prayers are filled with tears and questions, He can handle it. He welcomes our raw honesty.
Reading about heaven gives us a glimpse into the joy that awaits us, which can be deeply comforting.
Studying the Bible, God's primary way of speaking to us, helps us understand His heart for us and strengthens our faith.
Worshipping, whether it's through prayer, singing, or just quiet reflection, brings us closer to Him. Listening to worship music can lift our spirits and fill us with gratitude. For myself personally, I felt that many worship songs were an honest plea that felt hard to sing at first and I would pray that the Lord would help me to believe what I was singing, to make it true of my heart, to help my unbelief. I prayed constantly that the truth of God’s word would wash over me and I would be transformed by it.
Another powerful way to connect with the Lord is by spending time in nature. It lets us see God's creation up close, reminding us of His power, beauty and love.
20 Bible Verses for When You Feel Alone:
Deuteronomy 31:6
“Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Deuteronomy 31:8
“The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Psalm 3:3
“But you, Lord, are a shield around me,
my glory, the One who lifts my head high.”
Psalm 23:4
“Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.”
Psalm 25:16-17
”Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. Relieve the troubles of my heart and free me from my anguish.”
Psalm 73:23-26
“Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Psalm 139:7-10
“Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.”
Psalm 145:18-19
“The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them.”
Isaiah 41:10
“So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.”
Isaiah 43:1-2
“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;
I have called you by your name;
You are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you;
And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you.
When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned,
Nor shall the flame scorch you.”
Isaiah 53:5
“He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;
and as one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.”
Isaiah 58:11
“The Lord will guide you continually,
And satisfy your soul in drought,
And strengthen your bones;
You shall be like a watered garden,
And like a spring of water, whose waters do not fail.”
Matthew 11:28-30
“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
John 14:16–18
“I will pray to the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may abide with you forever—the Spirit of truth … I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you.”
Romans 8:26-27
“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God.”
2 Corinthians 12:9
“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.”
Philippians 4:6-7
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Hebrews 4:14-16
“Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.”
James 4:8
“Draw near to God and He will draw near to you.”
1 Peter 5:7
“Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.”
