I am a kindergarten teacher. Along with the chaos that comes along with all that is teaching and what seems like herding the most precious cats, comes the daily routine. Part of that routine is taking attendance at 9:30 every day.

Recently at school, I accidentally marked a student absent that was present. The student was in my class and I mistakenly clicked on the wrong name when taking attendance.

Simple mistake; huge impact.

The parent of that student was then called by an automated message that is sent out to all the absent students saying their child was not in attendance. This parent was outraged and terrified that her daughter wasn’t at school called my principal to confirm and share that rage. I felt horrible. I immediately called the parent to apologize.

Furious parent: “You have no idea what it feels like to think you've lost a child!” 

...Yeah. I do though. 

Somehow those words spoke deep in my heart, and all I could say was, "I am very very sorry." 

I know exactly what it feels like to lose a child. I know the deep, gut-wrenching feeling and the finality and fear hits you deeply. I hate that I made her, even for a second, feel that distress and fear. That phone call terrified her, I understand and I profusely apologized. I would never wish that feeling upon anyone.

That feeling, the fear and anxiety that your child is in danger, hurt, or missing, is the deepest anguish a mother can feel.

This feeling I felt when I lost my child, and also the glimpse of fear this mother felt, makes me wonder what God must have felt when he gave his only son to die on a cross and take the sins of the world to save us and bring us to Him.

I can't imagine. I can't shake that feeling.

The most perfect human, Jesus, not deserving death, but willing to take that on to save this broken world. How undeserving am I that God would give up his child?

Romans 8:32
"He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things?”

I cannot fathom it. It leaves me speechless. It reminds me of my grandpa's favorite hymn, How Great Thou Art.

"And when I think, that God,
His Son not sparing; Sent Him to die,
I scarce can take it in;
That on the cross,
my burden gladly bearing,
He bled and died to take away my sin."

Another Hymn that has been carved into my heart this season is, How Deep The Father's Love For Us.

"How deep the Father’s love for us,
How vast beyond all measure,
That He should give His only Son
To make a wretch His treasure.
How great the pain of searing loss -
The Father turns His face away,
As wounds which mar the Chosen One
Bring many sons to glory."